SG/NT March 2017: WHO Can’t Drive in Snow?

by Perfect Coven authors

This post isn’t going to be so much about Southern Goth as just Southern. You have been warned.

The South gets  a lot of heat, so to speak, from other parts of the county for Southerners being unable to drive in snow. Granted, parts of the South get very little snow, so unfamiliarity is an issue. However, what most Northerners don’t see is the ice under the snow, which is extremely detrimental to driving conditions.

Still, I’m not writing this to make excuses, justified though they are.

I’m merely tracking some observations I’ve made over the two (admittedly rather snow-less) winters I’ve been here.

First – y’all Northerners only think you can drive in snow.

You can’t.

Nor can you drive in rain, wind, or sunshine. I thought drivers in Atlanta were bad…until I moved here. In Michigan, I’ve seen some of the worst driving in any kind of weather. In fact, Ohio has replaced Tennessee in my list of Places I Absolutely Hate to Drive.

Second – traffic rules do not apply. Neither do speed limits, no matter the weather conditions. Turn signals are optional. And if you hit someone, it doesn’t matter, just keep on going; Michigan is a no-fault state, so it’s not like there are any repercussions for hitting someone (I mean, hit someone’s car; obviously, it’s disastrous if you hit an actual person, no-fault state or not). Seriously, most cars up here look as though they’ve done at least one round in the Demolition Derby. I’ve driven bumper cars with better drivers – and bumper car drivers are usually ten or so.

Third – do I even need a third? Isn’t this enough?

Okay, wait, I do have one more thing to say. It’s even positive. And believe it or not, it’s about traffic.

While people drive like maniacs up here, at least they’re not driving like maniacs in backed-up, bumper-to-bumper traffic. Traffic here is light, comparatively. People at my work come in complaining that the commute was an extra fifteen minutes today because of weather or a wreck or construction, and they’re genuinely indignant when I laugh.

Really loud.

And can’t stop laughing.

Sometimes I even laugh so hard my eyes water.

Fifteen extra minutes on your commute…which is usually around fifteen minutes in good conditions, twenty if you hit all the lights on red – and you live twenty miles away. They don’t believe me when I say my commute in Atlanta was forty-five minutes on a good traffic day, and I lived eight miles from my office.

So, to tally it up: two bads, one good. Unfortunately, the one good doesn’t make up for the two bads. Der Mann does most of the in-town driving as he’s much more patient than I am, and even he rants about drivers up here.

So, I’ve been trying to figure out a way to wrap this up and realized I forgot to mention one important thing: this is all very definitely tongue-in-cheek*, so I do hope no one is offended. If you are, then I just have one thing to say:

Well, bless your heart.

*(Okay, except for the bit about comparative commute times. That’s a true story.)**

**(Oh, and the bit about black ice in the South? That’s also a true thing.)***

***(And, um, Michigan is actually a no-fault state. And insurance rates are commensurate. But that is a post for another time.)

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